REGENERATION
It been a heavy weekend. Sunday. Palm Sunday. Bringing with it the burden of the coming holy week. The burden of a debt I can never repay. And to add to the guilt, of which I am very worthy, the pain of Saturday's anniversary. Two years since the U.S. launched a pre-emptive strike in the middle east. If I am not to blame, why do I feel so bad? The end of this weekend also brings the beginning of Spring. And Nicole is late. You know what I am talking about. The kind of late for which I am to blame. How can one person take in this much?
Spring: Bring it on. I have a fondness for Winter and Fall, but getting warmer is not going to kill me. I don't think. Flowers come out and I guess that's cool. It's the season that really speaks to awakenings of all kinds. A metaphorical moment of rebirth. But this year, there's a chance that hits too close to home. I'm struggling. Trying to take care of myself. What will awakenings do for me? It's like spit in the face. A mirror to my spinning wheels. I might be able to take off the heavy coat, but regeneration scares the hell out of me.
Nicole's late: I think I've expressed my concern. I mean, she wasn't around enough this last month for it to come as anything other than a shock. She hadn't had a chance to go to the doctor and didn't want me to worry. As if she didn't have enough dealing with her and Tom's kids. And my Courtney. Does the world really need another out of work actor/writer? Pray for me.
Palm Sunday: I took communion today. And tried to process the meaning of the coming week. It's so hard trying to figure it all out. To want to know why. And how. What did I do anyway? To warrant all that love? When I take the time to really mediate on it all, I keep coming back to the same thing. I am just a piece of shit. Forget Nicole. Forget my daughter. None of it means a thing by comparison. I certainly don't deserve them. Much less Him. What He did. I'm an asshole.
2 Year Anniversary: I had every intention to attend a vigil or something. Maybe not a demonstration or anything as political as all that. But at least some candles. And some prayer. And some hope for those who have loss. Some love for those who will lose. And some thoughts on how we can do a better job with the little bit of kindness we have to give. The day came and went and I was watching some Disney movie. Eating turkey chili and drinking pop. Distracting myself while people died for the 712th day in a row.
See what I mean about heavy? I want to learn something about death and life. About birth and rebirth. About love and war. About peace and happiness. But I need to pace myself. Stop trying to cram it into 2 � days. Or my time will come and go and I will know nothing. I will have done nothing. Save some stupid words on a page. Then I will have to give an account. A blank account. I'm starting to realize one thing for sure. Despite what they tell me, life is real. It's not just fodder for television.
Spring: Bring it on. I have a fondness for Winter and Fall, but getting warmer is not going to kill me. I don't think. Flowers come out and I guess that's cool. It's the season that really speaks to awakenings of all kinds. A metaphorical moment of rebirth. But this year, there's a chance that hits too close to home. I'm struggling. Trying to take care of myself. What will awakenings do for me? It's like spit in the face. A mirror to my spinning wheels. I might be able to take off the heavy coat, but regeneration scares the hell out of me.
Nicole's late: I think I've expressed my concern. I mean, she wasn't around enough this last month for it to come as anything other than a shock. She hadn't had a chance to go to the doctor and didn't want me to worry. As if she didn't have enough dealing with her and Tom's kids. And my Courtney. Does the world really need another out of work actor/writer? Pray for me.
Palm Sunday: I took communion today. And tried to process the meaning of the coming week. It's so hard trying to figure it all out. To want to know why. And how. What did I do anyway? To warrant all that love? When I take the time to really mediate on it all, I keep coming back to the same thing. I am just a piece of shit. Forget Nicole. Forget my daughter. None of it means a thing by comparison. I certainly don't deserve them. Much less Him. What He did. I'm an asshole.
2 Year Anniversary: I had every intention to attend a vigil or something. Maybe not a demonstration or anything as political as all that. But at least some candles. And some prayer. And some hope for those who have loss. Some love for those who will lose. And some thoughts on how we can do a better job with the little bit of kindness we have to give. The day came and went and I was watching some Disney movie. Eating turkey chili and drinking pop. Distracting myself while people died for the 712th day in a row.
See what I mean about heavy? I want to learn something about death and life. About birth and rebirth. About love and war. About peace and happiness. But I need to pace myself. Stop trying to cram it into 2 � days. Or my time will come and go and I will know nothing. I will have done nothing. Save some stupid words on a page. Then I will have to give an account. A blank account. I'm starting to realize one thing for sure. Despite what they tell me, life is real. It's not just fodder for television.
posted by The Passenger at 9:53 AM
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