Jesus Bel Grande

I would be the first one to admit that people find God in the most unexpected places. But reading the news lately (or visiting Ebay, as things may be) makes me realize that we have come a long way since the discovery of the Shroud of Turin.

I'm not even sure which sighting came first, but if you keep up with the news of the weird at all, or even if you just visit the Drudge Report every once and a while, you know what I am talking about. Whether you are Catholic or Protestant, atheist or agnostic, you can't deny the media's recent coverage of an insurgence of religious apparitions all across the world. Used to be, somebody would get the stigmata or a statue of the Virgin Mary would begin to cry tears of blood in some church down in Mexico. The press would go buck wild taking photos and camping out. With questions about the "presence of an active and very-much-alive God". "What's he going to do next?" All that crap. Then things would die down and we would all go back to living like he didn't exist.

These days, however, it seems like God is everywhere. Let's see...last year, his mother's face was burned into a tree trunk in Northern Chicago. Now there is a church built on the premises. If you are one that likes to bid in online auctions, it's not just where you can find those difficult floor tickets for U2's How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb tour. (Which, by the way, if anyone knows where I can get a couple of those for their September dates in Chicago, please let me know. I don't have Nicole around anymore, so it's hard to get the celebrity hook-up.) In just the past couple of months, on Ebay, if you were savvy enough, you could have picked up a tortilla or a grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary's image burned into it - take your pick. Or Jesus on a piece of toast - olive loaf, I think it was. Buttered or unbuttered. Or for those who really have money to burn or were willing to pay the extreme postage...the whole side of a toilet tank. Seems that face of our Lord had appeared in a hunk of mold. It's true. I have the picture to prove it. See!

Yesterday, however, I received some news that grieved my soul. In the midst of this abundance of God sightings, one city has taken steps to eradicate the record of his visitation. In the neighborhood of East Chicago, in Indianapolis, IN, a streetlight had begun to shine an image of Jesus Christ onto an adjacent tree. For days, hundreds of people had come to see this miracle. Many staying through the night, causing traffic nightmares with illegally parked cars. After officers tried to make the gathering disperse last Friday, a fist fight ensued and left many bloody, but Christ remained. As of Sunday, however, a meeting by local officials found it necessary to turn off the streetlight until further notice. Seems the East Chicago authority's manpower was just no competition for the crowds that the light of Christ drew. They decided to shut it down, rather than to fight the good fight.

I have no doubt that we will continue to see evidences of God all around us. If you are having trouble finding him where you're at, maybe you are just not looking hard enough. Go to your window and look out. Better yet, go outside and look around. If you live in the city, look past all that shit. If you live in the suburbs, look past all the strip malls. Chances are, he's right in front of your face.
If you still can't see him, I feel sorry for you. But there's always Ebay and *Taco Bell.

*Please note: this author is in no way endorsing Taco Bell. Please, do not eat there. Their food is garbage and it will make you feel like shit. Thank you. For that matter, please try not to eat at any fast food restaurant. If you do, you only have yourself to blame for all those health problems.