Yes, we have no bananas...
Lately I have been witnessing more signs of the coming apocalypse. (Well, the coffee apocalypse at least.) No, not first hand. But thanks to my trusty recorder of what's going on in the world of corporate coffee brewers. That's right. I'm talking about your favorite place and mine…Starbucks. I can say it now. But as those who have been with me for a while will know, it is not without the ripeness of bitter sarcasm.
First, I must give praise to one of my favorite new websites and the source for all this wonderful Starbucks news: http://starbucksgossip.typepad.com/ (Somebody has to keep tabs on the world's favorite drug dealer) It is here where I receive all the ammunition and inspiration I need to defend the independent coffee shop and uphold the standards of community. These are just a few brief anecdotes culled from the wealth of information I have retrieved in the past few months. I'll just give you the top five. And I will save the most severe for last, along with a call to action. Please note the sparkle in my eye as I share these kafiend-nated tidbits, that seem so tailor-made for my blog site.
1. Question for baristas (specifically those employed by our favorite chain): What's up with the bananas next to the registers? How are the bananas doing and what was the inspiration behind them? What are the baristas supposed to say, "Would you like a banana with your coffee?" "A banana with your venti mocha soy latte?" "A little potassium in exchange for your soul?"
2. A woman pulls her suv onto the sidewalk after going through a Starbucks drive-thru in Phoenix. She storms in, (the front of her beige pants suit looking like she has wet herself), and yells, at the top of her lungs, "And next time, make sure the fucking lid is on tight!" She walks back out and hurls what's left of her grande frappachino at the front glass. (Cue the Aimee Mann song)
3. A man hauls his computer into a 24 hour Manhattan Starbucks and sets up shop, picking up free wireless internet connections in the air - surfing for days. His computer is a desktop. We're talking 17 inch monitor and tower hard drive. (You've got to see the pictures to believe it.
4. A man walks into a Starbucks in Egypt (yes, the one in Africa - they actually have Starbucks in Africa - I could hardly believe it either) with a lit cigarette. After an associate tells him he has to put it out and takes his drink order, the man cusses and says he wont. His coffee order is filled and brought back to him, along with the manager, who also tells him he must put out the cigarette. He takes his coffee, stabs the manager in the chest. Twice. He then takes a seat and finishes his coffee. And his cigarette. Just in time for the police to come and take him away.
And now my favorite story of all:
5. A new Starbucks under construction in Colorado is vandalized. That's right. Apparently a group of hippies visited the incomplete coffee complex and busted up counters and the primo fireplace. They pulled out all that wonderful track lighting and urinated on the floor. Then, to top it all off, they spray painted a pretty little warning across the front of the building : GO BACK TO SEATTLE YOU CORPORATE SCUM!
Now maybe this is a bit extreme. And I would never advocate vandalism of any kind. But it is nice to know Starbucks is getting the message that all of us independents preach. Finally. And I never had to shake a spray paint can. Thank you hippies. We will buy our produce at the co-op. Thank you very much.
First, I must give praise to one of my favorite new websites and the source for all this wonderful Starbucks news: http://starbucksgossip.typepad.com/ (Somebody has to keep tabs on the world's favorite drug dealer) It is here where I receive all the ammunition and inspiration I need to defend the independent coffee shop and uphold the standards of community. These are just a few brief anecdotes culled from the wealth of information I have retrieved in the past few months. I'll just give you the top five. And I will save the most severe for last, along with a call to action. Please note the sparkle in my eye as I share these kafiend-nated tidbits, that seem so tailor-made for my blog site.
1. Question for baristas (specifically those employed by our favorite chain): What's up with the bananas next to the registers? How are the bananas doing and what was the inspiration behind them? What are the baristas supposed to say, "Would you like a banana with your coffee?" "A banana with your venti mocha soy latte?" "A little potassium in exchange for your soul?"
2. A woman pulls her suv onto the sidewalk after going through a Starbucks drive-thru in Phoenix. She storms in, (the front of her beige pants suit looking like she has wet herself), and yells, at the top of her lungs, "And next time, make sure the fucking lid is on tight!" She walks back out and hurls what's left of her grande frappachino at the front glass. (Cue the Aimee Mann song)
3. A man hauls his computer into a 24 hour Manhattan Starbucks and sets up shop, picking up free wireless internet connections in the air - surfing for days. His computer is a desktop. We're talking 17 inch monitor and tower hard drive. (You've got to see the pictures to believe it.
4. A man walks into a Starbucks in Egypt (yes, the one in Africa - they actually have Starbucks in Africa - I could hardly believe it either) with a lit cigarette. After an associate tells him he has to put it out and takes his drink order, the man cusses and says he wont. His coffee order is filled and brought back to him, along with the manager, who also tells him he must put out the cigarette. He takes his coffee, stabs the manager in the chest. Twice. He then takes a seat and finishes his coffee. And his cigarette. Just in time for the police to come and take him away.
And now my favorite story of all:
5. A new Starbucks under construction in Colorado is vandalized. That's right. Apparently a group of hippies visited the incomplete coffee complex and busted up counters and the primo fireplace. They pulled out all that wonderful track lighting and urinated on the floor. Then, to top it all off, they spray painted a pretty little warning across the front of the building : GO BACK TO SEATTLE YOU CORPORATE SCUM!
Now maybe this is a bit extreme. And I would never advocate vandalism of any kind. But it is nice to know Starbucks is getting the message that all of us independents preach. Finally. And I never had to shake a spray paint can. Thank you hippies. We will buy our produce at the co-op. Thank you very much.
posted by The Passenger at 2:19 PM
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