The Supermodel and the Cabdriver
The official opening of The Interpreter was this weekend. Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t been able to get any sleep. It makes me think of that scene in the movie, Fall, where the cab driver says to the super model: “You’re ________, I see you everywhere.” To which the super model replies back to the cab driver: “You’re ________, I see you nowhere.” Assuming the role of the cab driver carries with it the burden of insomnia. Something I am not familiar with. Not until now.
Yes, it’s true. Nicole and I have still had no contact since that day. You know what day I’m talking about. D-Day. The day that ended this entire dream. I’ve tried not to think about it. Tried to concentrate on dismantling my apartment to prepare for my summer in the mountains of Tennessee doing Shakespeare. Tried to concentrate on how I am going to pay my ex-wife the child support I owe her under the threat of impending imprisonment. Tried to concentrate on new living arrangements and new employment prospects upon my return to Chicago in July. But then Friday comes and all the new movies are released and I have to relive the pain all over again.
God forbid I even try and look at the television to get my mind off it - there she is in those 30 second spots - “A NEW FILM BY THE DIRECTOR OF ‘THREE DAYS IN THE CONDOR’! STARING A VERY HEALTHY AND EMOTIONALLY SECURE NICOLE KIDMAN, WHO LEARNED A HOT SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT FOR THE ROLE AND MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE CAUSED A BREAK UP BETWEEN HER CO-STAR SEAN PENN AND HIS LONG TIME LOVE ROBIN WRIGHT! THANK GOD SHE DITCHED THAT HACK WRITER IN CHICAGO! HE MIGHT AS WELL START DRIVING A TAXI OR SOMETHING…”
Painful! And then I find myself going to the damn I-TUNES movie trailer site. My damn finger paused over the enter key. Poised to watch the 2 minute trailer for the damn movie. (Which they are showing on 4 damn screens mere blocks from my apartment.) Dammit!
My dvd copy of Eyes Wide Shut sits on a unhinged shelf -one of the only things not packed yet- taunting me. I am well aware that it hurts to cut your finger. So why do I keep dragging the razor over mine. You want to know why? Because I keep thinking that if I bleed enough now, there will eventually be no feeling left. I can’t say it’s the healthiest theory in the world, but it seems to have worked in the past. This masochistic gluttony of sorrow. It plagues me like memories of junior high.
I had thought it was all over, but I guess I still need time. I don’t know my own weaknesses. I am hoping that this time in the south with old friends will take me away from the problem of pain and bring much needed healing. But who knows. I have a tendency to replace one problem with another. And my roommate -who sadly I am leaving behind- is starting to look really cute. What to do.
For now, I’ll just cope. And deal. And pray. Here in the snow of this blustery afternoon. (Yes, snow. At the end of April. This is Chicago.) I am sure that all of this is for the best. Otherwise, how could it be happening, right? Plus, it’s really easy to close my eyes and shift a little guilt over to the other side. Sort of balance things out.
I can hear Chris Isaak crooning “She did a bad, bad thing…” in the background and I think - yes, she did. I think I will watch Eyes Wide Shut one more time before I pack it away for the summer. I can’t sleep anyway
Yes, it’s true. Nicole and I have still had no contact since that day. You know what day I’m talking about. D-Day. The day that ended this entire dream. I’ve tried not to think about it. Tried to concentrate on dismantling my apartment to prepare for my summer in the mountains of Tennessee doing Shakespeare. Tried to concentrate on how I am going to pay my ex-wife the child support I owe her under the threat of impending imprisonment. Tried to concentrate on new living arrangements and new employment prospects upon my return to Chicago in July. But then Friday comes and all the new movies are released and I have to relive the pain all over again.
God forbid I even try and look at the television to get my mind off it - there she is in those 30 second spots - “A NEW FILM BY THE DIRECTOR OF ‘THREE DAYS IN THE CONDOR’! STARING A VERY HEALTHY AND EMOTIONALLY SECURE NICOLE KIDMAN, WHO LEARNED A HOT SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT FOR THE ROLE AND MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE CAUSED A BREAK UP BETWEEN HER CO-STAR SEAN PENN AND HIS LONG TIME LOVE ROBIN WRIGHT! THANK GOD SHE DITCHED THAT HACK WRITER IN CHICAGO! HE MIGHT AS WELL START DRIVING A TAXI OR SOMETHING…”
Painful! And then I find myself going to the damn I-TUNES movie trailer site. My damn finger paused over the enter key. Poised to watch the 2 minute trailer for the damn movie. (Which they are showing on 4 damn screens mere blocks from my apartment.) Dammit!
My dvd copy of Eyes Wide Shut sits on a unhinged shelf -one of the only things not packed yet- taunting me. I am well aware that it hurts to cut your finger. So why do I keep dragging the razor over mine. You want to know why? Because I keep thinking that if I bleed enough now, there will eventually be no feeling left. I can’t say it’s the healthiest theory in the world, but it seems to have worked in the past. This masochistic gluttony of sorrow. It plagues me like memories of junior high.
I had thought it was all over, but I guess I still need time. I don’t know my own weaknesses. I am hoping that this time in the south with old friends will take me away from the problem of pain and bring much needed healing. But who knows. I have a tendency to replace one problem with another. And my roommate -who sadly I am leaving behind- is starting to look really cute. What to do.
For now, I’ll just cope. And deal. And pray. Here in the snow of this blustery afternoon. (Yes, snow. At the end of April. This is Chicago.) I am sure that all of this is for the best. Otherwise, how could it be happening, right? Plus, it’s really easy to close my eyes and shift a little guilt over to the other side. Sort of balance things out.
I can hear Chris Isaak crooning “She did a bad, bad thing…” in the background and I think - yes, she did. I think I will watch Eyes Wide Shut one more time before I pack it away for the summer. I can’t sleep anyway
posted by The Passenger at 9:59 AM
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