The Rules of Asian Cinema

Now I don’t want to offend any Asians. Some of my best friends are Asian. Even more specifically, I don’t want to offend any Asian filmmakers. But I think I am beginning to understand the rules, as they pertain to Asian horror movies. Seems to me there are about three things that permeate these films:

1. A young boy who hides a lot and seems to have deep psychological problems.

2. A woman with long stringy black hair that hangs in her face. She doesn’t speak, but is regulated to horrific groaning sounds.

3. A crab-walk. Meaning, someone (usually a freaky looking someone - more than often, the woman with the stringy black hair that hangs in her face) walks like a crab. Arms and legs all akimbo in a fashion not like reality at all. And of course we all go “OOOOHHHHH, that’s freaky!”

Now, if you’ve seen any of these movies at all, you know what I am talking about. The Ring and Ring II and their Asian counterparts Ringu and Ringu II. The Grudge and its Asian counterpart Ju- On. And half a dozen others I know just from reading the back of the dvd. Actually, I got all the information I needed from the front of the dvd, which usually features a disturbing picture of 1, 2 or 3. Sometimes, all of them. But just because I am pointing out these, seemingly, key elements of contemporary Asian horror movies, it doesn’t mean they are any good. I mean, if they stayed in Japan or Korea or China or wherever they originated, at least they would be authentic. Intended language and such. No cultural barriers. Not half bad. But when they try to morph the exact same movie into an American replica, they just fail miserably. (ie. The Ring movies and The Grudge. Plus they substitute people like Buffy the Vampire Slayer…I don’t think so.)

Let’s face it. (And I want to be clear that I am not trying to beat up on Asian filmmakers), but are we really breaking new ground here? I seem to recall a very popular American movie by one, Mr M. Night Shyamalan, and that movie had, at least a 1 and a 2 in it.

Then there is The Exorcist, from the 70’s. I know that Friedkin cut it out of the original, and it took the release of the director’s cut for us to get a glimpse of his original vision, but Linda Blair clearly does a crab walk. Down the stairs. At her mother’s party. And it’s freaky. Do we really need to see that again and again? We get the picture. When girls walk like crabs, it’s disturbing.

Maybe this trend is just in “popular” (commercial) Asian movies. Maybe it’s the new Hollywood. (aka there is nothing new under the sun - let’s just take this thing that has been successful and run it into the ground) People in Japan like Takashi Miike and Chanwook Park are, at least, original. The makers of Extreme Asian Film. Watch Audition if you dare. The first hour will dull your expectations like cinematic Novocain, but after the last ½ hour, you wont be able to sleep for days. “Dedededededededed….” (Watch it and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Actually, I would encourage you not to, unless you have a strong stomach.)

I have been trying to decide for days whether to go see Park’s Old Boy, but I am kind of scared. I’ve heard about the mouth meets the claw hammer scene. Okay, maybe I won’t go, but I feel better knowing it’s out there. At least it gives the standard Asian horror, with it’s three rules of fright, a run for it’s money. And we wont be seeing any crabwalks. That makes me feel good.